


A Good Start

by starlightwalking



Series: the world as we know it [8]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Ace-Spectrum Character, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Back to Middle-Earth Month, Caedsexual Maedhros, I Love You, Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation, Negotiating Sexual Boundaries, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Hatred, Trans Fingon, Trans Male Character, Trauma-Affected Sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:28:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25585915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: When Fingon suggests he meet Maedhros' family, he lets an “I love you” slip out, and the trajectory of their evening together changes rapidly.
Relationships: Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Series: the world as we know it [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1651942
Comments: 14
Kudos: 56
Collections: Anna's Trans Anthology, Back to Middle-earth Month 2020: Endings and Beginnings





	A Good Start

**Author's Note:**

> A very late entry for B2MeM 3/25/20, finally completed due to encouragement via an ask game on tumblr! The official prompt was “[Start](https://arofili.tumblr.com/post/613532064707428352/backtomiddleearthmonth-start-by-meisjedevos)” by Meisjedevos, which only inspired this in the loosest sense; I also used the First Line generator to come up with “‘It’s time for you to go home,’ CHARACTER said.”
> 
> This was supposed to be a fic about Fingon meeting Mae's family? But then Things Happened and it turned into Not That. I'm not really sure how I feel about this, tbh, but I don't know what else to do with it, so here it is. I hope Mae's thought process and decisions make sense?
> 
> Mind the tags, please! Also, I didn't know how to tag this, but: Maedhros has some brief, non-graphic flashbacks to Mairon hurting him. But Fingon is there to help him and things end well overall.

"It's time for you to go home," Fingon said.

Maedhros sighed. "I could say the same for you, Finno."

Fingon nudged him gently. "Come on, Mae," he said. "We live, like, a half hour's drive from your dad's place and yet you haven't visited in six months. Besides, I want to meet them!"

"My dad is...a lot," Maedhros warned. "He _really_ didn't like my last boyfriend."

"Your last boyfriend was an asshole," Fingon grumbled.

An ugly, venomous feeling crept into Maedhros' throat at the mention of Mairon, as it usually did—but Fingon was here, and Fingon was _nothing_ like Mairon, and he leaned comfortingly on Maedhros' shoulder as he continued to list off the reasons why Maedhros should go home for a visit.

"Fine," Maedhros conceded. "You're impossible to argue with!"

Fingon beamed. "Great! We can go this weekend!" He leaned up, but paused before doing anything. "Can I kiss you?"

Maedhros looked down at him, the twisting in his throat completely gone, replaced by an overwhelming warmth that flooded his whole body. He didn't know how Fingon could possibly want someone as worthless and skittish as him, but Maedhros couldn't tear himself away from him. His _boyfriend_. He'd never thought he'd have another boyfriend after Mairon, and yet here was Fingon.

He loved Fingon. It had been five months since Fingon had kissed him for the first time, and he already knew that when they broke up it would destroy him, more than Mairon ever could've. Because of course they were going to break up—one day Fingon would wake up and realize he could do so much better than Maedhros and he'd leave. He'd be kind about it, because he was _Fingon_ , but he'd do it anyway, because _he_ was _Maedhros_.

But until then—Maedhros would take his kisses, every chance he got.

"Please," he said, meeting Fingon halfway and smiling into their kiss.

He loved Fingon, and Fingon deserved better than someone like him, and he knew if he told Fingon how much he loved him, how it kept his heart beating to hold him on those nights they slept in the same bed, how he'd been trying so damn hard not to fall into his old shitty coping mechanisms because Fingon would _care_ and be _upset_ , how much a smile or a kiss or a text from him brightened his day—

If Fingon knew any of that, he'd leave, because Maedhros was _too much_ , he'd always been too much, and he needed to keep himself controlled this time. Fingon was _good_ , and Maedhros was too selfish to let him go, so until he figured out how deeply flawed and broken Maedhros actually was, he had to keep his heart to himself.

"I'm so excited!" Fingon said, snuggling into Maedhros' arms. "Your brothers sound like they're _so_ much fun, I can't wait to meet them! And your dad," he added.

But not his mom. Ever since Nerdanel had left, Maedhros' senior year of high school, their family had not been whole. And Maedhros had gone off to college soon after that—not too far, but far enough. Now Maglor had passed him by, graduating and joining up with Starkindler, touring the world with Varda Elentári; Maedhros still texted with him, and facetimed every now and then, but it wasn't the same. Celegorm was still at home with his part-time dog training job, much to Fëanor's chagrin, though he was only hanging around until Junior graduated and they could disappoint their dad together by traveling around the country without a care in the world, at least until Junior remembered that he was Fëanor Curufin Smith II and came back home to help dad run the business. Caranthir was a few hours away in his first year at a prestigious university not even Maglor or Maedhros had been accepted to, and the twins were only in seventh grade.

"It won't be all of us," Maedhros said. "Just Dad, Celegorm, Junior, and the twins."

"Well I've already met Maglor over the phone," Fingon said. "And you said Caranthir doesn't like people anyway."

"Yeah," Maedhros admitted. "But still. Honestly...ever since Maglor got his gig with Starkindler, I haven't really missed home. Mom's four states away, Celegorm and Junior have each other, so do the twins, and Caranthir's...Caranthir. And now he's not even there anymore."

"What about your dad?" Fingon asked, sitting back up to look him in the eyes. "You don't talk about him much. What makes him 'a lot'?"

"He's..." Maedhros scratched his head. How did one describe Fëanor Smith? "He's a good father, for the most part. He loves us all, and supports pretty much everything we do—he's just very _intense_ about it. Shouting down the other parents at PTA meetings, oversharing to our significant others, the ones he approves of anyway, micromanaging our lives...that kind of thing. Mom would balance him out, restrain him when he went overboard, but...well, after a while she couldn't take it anymore." He wasn't privy to all the details of his parents' divorce, but he didn't really blame Nerdanel for leaving, even if he missed her a lot.

"How do I make sure he likes me, then?" Fingon asked, a gleam in his eyes.

Maedhros groaned good-naturedly. "You just want embarrassing stories about me when I was a baby!"

"Maybe, maybe not!" Fingon smirked. "Or maybe I just love you and I want your dad to love me too."

Maedhros' heart stopped. Had he—did he just—was he imagining things or did Fingon just say—

Fingon had started talking again, but he trailed off when he noticed Maedhros wasn't listening anymore. Maedhros' mind had gone completely blank; he couldn't think, could barely breathe—

"Mae? Mae, are you alright?" Fingon asked, his voice rising to a higher register like it did when he was anxious, and _oh no_ Maedhros was making him anxious, was making him feel bad, that was the _last_ thing he wanted to do, he wanted Fingon to feel _good_ , and oh Fingon would realize his mistake now and take it back, if he'd even meant it in the first place, but the only thing Maedhros could think about was _maybe I just love you, maybe I love you, I love you, LOVE YOU_ —

"I'm sorry, I—it's too soon, I know you're, you're still hurting from what he did, and I shouldn't have said—" Fingon babbled, and he looked like he was about to start crying; he reached out but stopped and Maedhros made a choked noise in his throat because _no_ he _wanted_ Fingon to reach out and hold him but he'd lost the words, if he'd ever had them in the first place, and, and—

"F...Finno?" he managed, and Fingon fell silent, biting his lip with wide, tearful eyes. "I'm...it's...okay? I think. Please, don't be—don't be sad, please don't, I just, I want you to be _happy_ , Finno, please—!"

Fingon trembled, and clutched his knees, and Maedhros wanted to cry himself because there was _too much_ happening, and what if he'd ruined everything, and he had to let Fingon go so soon, and, and, and—

Well, there was only one way to find out, wasn't there? Maedhros steeled himself, and didn't give himself time to think and panic any more, and blurted out, "Fingon, I love you too."

Oh god that had been the wrong thing to say because now Fingon _was_ crying, for real, and Maedhros wanted to reach into his mouth and tear his tongue out so he couldn't say anything so stupid ever again, but then Fingon was reaching for him and begging to kiss him, to hold him, and Maedhros didn't know _why_ or _how_ this was happening but he was _in love_ and Fingon loved him back somehow and he was not going to say no, not when he _wanted_ so much.

He pulled Fingon into his lap and kissed him 'til he couldn't breathe, and then he held Fingon to his chest so tight Finno squirmed and he had to let go, terrified that Fingon wanted out, but no, he just wanted to hold _Maedhros_ , and they were crying together and Maedhros thought he could pass out from the emotion of it all.

"I shouldn't be...such a mess..." Maedhros mumbled. "Fingon, I...I love you? I love you." The second time, the third time, was easier somehow and Fingon squeaked when he said it and pulled him into another kiss and in between he whispered, "I love you, love you, I know it's only been a few months but I _love_ you and I can't—I don't _want_ to live without you, Mae, my heart would break—!"

Maedhros couldn't handle hearing that, didn't know how to show Fingon that he felt the same way, so he kissed him again and he—he _wanted_ —

He froze, memories rushing back: Mairon on top of him, whispering into his ear, reaching into his pants, telling him _You want this, I can feel it, Maedhros, come on, stop whining._ He wanted, he wanted, his body wanted, he was, he couldn't, no no no no _no_ was this—was Fingon just saying this to—was it because—

"Maedhros?" Fingon asked, pressing their noses together, a watery smile on his face.

Maedhros whimpered, and he hated how weak he sounded, hated how horrible he was, hated hated hated, and he raised his hands to his face and _sobbed_ , and Fingon scrambled off him and he didn't know if that was better or not because _Fingon_ wouldn't, would he? But he hadn't thought Mairon would either, and now his traitorous body was telling him one thing and his mind didn't know how to process that, but this was _Fingon_ who made him feel so good, when he didn't deserve it, _You don't deserve me, Maedhros, honestly I've been so good to you and this is what you give me in return?_

Fingon _knew_ , Maedhros had told him, and he'd never...he'd always...he'd never pushed, never even brought sex up even when Maedhros knew he would get off to the thought of fucking him, and that was okay with Maedhros because anything that made Fingon feel good was a good thing, and honestly if he weren't so fucking _broken_ he'd be doing the same thing because Fingon was cute, he was hot, he was everything Maedhros _should_ want and yet, yet when he did now, he reacted like _this_ and surely now Fingon would realize that it didn't matter how much Maedhros loved him he'd never be able to give him _that_ and that wasn't fair to _him_ so he'd have to leave—

But his stupid fucking penis didn't get the memo apparently because his jeans were getting tight and surely Fingon could _tell_ and would _know_ he was a hypocrite—

"Mae, can you—breathe with me?" Fingon asked, wringing his hands. "Like you have me do when I'm having an anxiety attack? Please?"

Maedhros nodded, fumbling for Fingon's hand, and Fingon gave it and he squeezed so hard he knew it had to be painful but he needed that right now, needed to know Fingon was there.

"In...out. In...out." Fingon whispered the words, breathing with him, squeezing back, and Maedhros thought that if he could he'd be sending him all his wordless love telepathically. "In...out..."

It took a few minutes, but slowly the tangled knot of panic in Maedhros' chest relaxed, and he loosened his grip on Fingon's hand, but Fingon didn't let go. Maedhros breathed easier, lying back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling and trying his hardest not to think of anything at all.

"Mae?" Fingon murmured. "How do you feel?"

Maedhros tried to talk, and found his mouth was too dry to speak. He licked his lips, worked up some spit, and tried again.

"I...better," he rasped. "Fingon, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess...how can you—?"

"Don't even start with that," Fingon said fiercely. "Mae, can I hold you? But only if you want to, I won't touch you unless you want it."

Maedhros didn't know what he wanted. He took a shaky breath. "Can I just...lie my head on your lap?"

"Of course." Fingon gently cradled him as he rolled over, squeezing his eyes shut. Fingon wouldn't hurt him. Fingon loved him. Fingon was _good_.

"What happened?" Fingon asked. "If you want to tell me. You don't have to. I can talk about...my family, if you want. I want you to meet them, too, someday."

"It's okay," Maedhros whispered. "I just...I was remembering. Him."

"Oh." Fingon bit his lip. "Was it because I said...?"

Maedhros laughed. "No, not that...he never said he loved me. He didn't lie about _that_. And we were only together for...a few months. Not even as long as we've..." He hadn't even realized that until now. The thought was...it was good. It warmed him up, and he smiled, and Fingon smiled too.

"I don't want to remind you of him, if I can help it," Fingon said. "Is it something I did...?"

He shook his head. "No, it was..." He grimaced. They'd talked about this before, Fingon already knew—why was it so hard to say it again? "It was...I was getting turned on. That reminded me. Of him. I'm sorry, I know you're not—"

"Shh, it's okay," Fingon assured. "It's so fucking awful, what he did. It wasn't your fault, Mae, and it's not your fault that your body reacting to...me, I guess, brings it all back. I'll _never_ ask you for that, not if you don't want it. I _promise_ , Maedhros, because it's the right thing to do and because I love you."

Maedhros shook his head. "I don't know why you do. I can't love you like I should, I don't think I ever can. I'm...I'm such a mess. I'm broken. I can't, I'm not like I used to be—you never even _knew_ that me. You deserve more than me, Finno. I—one day you'll realize that and you'll leave me, and it's going to fucking shatter me into pieces because I've gone and fallen in love with you and I don't deserve you."

Fingon stared at him. "Maedhros," he said slowly, "I love you, and I'm not gonna stop saying that 'til you believe me, completely, 100%. So know that I say it with all the love in my heart—which is _a fucking lot_ —when I say that is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life."

Maedhros laughed, despite himself. Fingon could do that to him. He shook his head, but before he could say anything, Fingon continued, "You are. not. broken. You're hurt, sure, but there's nothing wrong about _you_. It's all on _him_ , what happened, and the only thing you don't deserve is all this pain. But me? I mean—I've got my own issues, and you've helped me so much. Having you, having a friend, a boyfriend, someone who cares about me and thinks about me and gets me little gifts like my favorite chocolates, and doesn't think it's even a little bit weird that I'm trans, and helps me breathe when I need to, and listens to me and holds me when I'm afraid, and makes me go to sleep when I get sucked into an internet rabbit hole or try and pull an all-nighter, and helps me figure out the god-awful major application system at this stupid school, and _literally everything else_ you do—sometimes I wonder if _I_ deserve _you_ , Mae. I'm in love with you _too_ , idiot, and sure I think you're hot as hell and if you ever decide you _want_ me in your pants I'll count my lucky stars but if that never happens I couldn't care less because _I have you_ and that's more than I could even dream of."

"Stop," Maedhros whispered. "You're too nice, you're too _good_ —"

"I'm exactly as good to you as you deserve," Fingon said fiercely, and leaned down to kiss him. This time Maedhros kissed him back before he could ask, because the answer was _yes_ , it would always _always_ be _yes_ with Fingon, and somehow even if it was _no_ Fingon would still love him.

"I know we've...talked about this before, but..." Maedhros blushed. "Are you sure it's okay? That I can't...that the first time I realize that I _do_ want you in my pants, or at least a part of me does, I completely lose it?"

" _Yes_ , it's okay," Fingon said firmly.

Maedhros' head still rested on his boyfriend's lap, and a thought occurred to him. "And...if I don't want you in my pants, but I wanted to...be in yours...would that be okay?"

Fingon's breath caught, and he blushed. "Maedhros," he whispered, "you don't have to..."

Maedhros smiled hesitantly. "But I love you. And—I want you? I do. And I don't know if I can get myself off but you deserve that, if you want it. I don't have to, obviously, of course I don't, but I...wanna make you feel good, Finno. Even if I can't...let you do the same, I love you, and I know you want me," and just saying that made his heart skip a beat, because Fingon wanted _him_ , out of all the people he could have, _him_.

"I," Fingon said, and paused. "I would. Um. You know I don't—have what you're. What you're used to your boyfriends having."

Maedhros restrained himself from rolling his eyes. He knew Fingon was insecure about his body, or at least about how Maedhros felt about his body, and no matter how many times Maedhros reassured him that didn't matter, that it was _Fingon_ he wanted, not Fingon's hypothetical dick, that might always be something he worried about. He thought he understood, now, how Fingon must feel when he said that Fingon deserved better, that he was broken.

"Okay, so I might not be great at it the first time," he conceded, knowing that wasn't really what Fingon was anxious about, but still. "But I can learn. If you help me." He smiled, and Fingon let out the tiniest little whimper and shifted his lap, and a pleased flush spread throughout Maedhros' body that _he_ was making Fingon feel this way. And it didn't even matter what Fingon was doing to him, that wasn't the point.

" _God_ , Mae, you're just..." Fingon pulled him up into a sitting position, dragging Maedhros into his lap proper, and kissed him passionately. Maedhros grinned and kissed him back, reaching his arms around Fingon's torso and leaning into him.

"Am I good to you, Finno?" he asked, his voice a little husky. "Is this good?"

Fingon shuddered, and Maedhros ducked his head down to kiss his neck. "Oh _god_ , yes, Mae, _please_...You're so fucking good to me, I just want you to be good to yourself too—"

Maedhros kissed him again, because that wasn't the point: this was about _Fingon_ , not him. But Fingon covered his mouth and looked up at him with heat in his eyes, rocking slightly against Maedhros' thigh.

"Tell me to stop and I will, I promise," he said seriously.

Maedhros nodded, and mumbled around Fingon's hand, "Same for you." He paused, and Fingon let go of his mouth. "Um. What do you want me to do?" Asking, he should ask. That was the right thing to do.

Fingon shuddered, closing his eyes. "Well...you know I have that fantasy of you sucking my dick...but I don't really have one. But—well, other partners have, uh, done the next best thing, and _that's_ good. I don't really want your...well, it's not really on the table for you, anyway, but I don't want your cock in my vagina. But anal is, well, I've enjoyed that, and well _Galdor_ was pretty firmly a top but other boyfriends have let me peg them which I liked, not that I expect you to want that—"

Maedhros was a tall guy, and he usually attracted men who wanted him on top. But the thought of Finno—who was smaller than any of his other boyfriends had been—on top of, inside of _him_... Well, he had to shove that thought out of his mind before he freaked out again, because _damn_ that was hot. He'd think about that later, see what it did.

"So you want me to..." Maedhros licked his lips.

"Cunnilingus," Fingon said frankly. "That would—holy shit, Mae, if you wanted to do that, I might come the second you put your mouth on me, that's how fucking sexy you doing that to me would be."

Well. The equipment was different, sure, but Maedhros knew the basics, and it couldn't be all that much different from giving head to a cis guy, right?

"Any pro tips?" he asked, because yeah he _was_ nervous. "And, uh, I know some trans guys have...feelings about what to call things..."

"Mmm...tongue is good," Fingon said, squeezing his eyes shut. "It might be awkward the first time, but well, you'll figure it out—I can be pretty vocal about what feels good. Focus on my clit. And yeah, you can call it that, I know I don't have a dick and it doesn't make me dysphoric to call it what it is. Pussy is...not my favorite, cunt is fine. And you can use your fingers, inside me—that's okay, for some reason, even though I don't want anything remotely penis-shaped in there. Well." He laughed. "In _that_ hole, at least."

Maedhros nodded, resting his hands on Fingon's hips. "Can I...?" he asked.

Fingon bit his lip. "Fuck. I don't...maybe we shouldn't do this right now, Mae."

"Oh," Maedhros said, and that was _fine_ , they'd both said it was fine? But it was a disappointment because he'd been so close to making Fingon feel good and now it wasn't gonna happen and he didn't know if he'd change his mind about the whole situation later and not want to do this anymore, after having gotten Fingon's hopes up—

"It's just—protection," Fingon explained, cupping Maedhros' face in his hands. "I'm not worried about...getting knocked up, I'm on the pill to stop my periods, and we wouldn't be doing anything that would let that happen anyways, and last time I got checked I was clean. But we should still be—safe. I don't have any dental dams, I'll need to pick some up..."

Maedhros nodded, and leaned forward for a kiss. "Sorry to get you all riled up," he murmured.

"Are you kidding me?" Fingon laughed, eyes bright. "Mae, I'm gonna jerk off just _thinking_ about what you said you'd do to me."

"Can I watch?" he asked, surprising himself, because he'd never wanted to before. "You know...that might help me figure out what you like..."

Fingon groaned, shoving Maedhros off of him. "Ohmygod _yes_ ," he breathed. "Get in my room right _fucking_ now, Maedhros, and I'll give you a _show_."

It was all about Fingon, and that's what made it work. Maedhros was excited, yeah, but not for a moment did he think about _his_ baggage, of any kind, because that wasn't the point. He was happy just to watch Fingon fuck himself on his fingers, lean back in his bed and pant as he rubbed circles around his clit, and Maedhros' mouth watered at the thought of putting his lips _there_ , kissing Fingon in every place he could... Some of it went to his groin, yeah, but he barely even registered it, barely thought of himself and barely thought of Mairon, because Mairon had been gorgeous in his own way, sure, but he hadn't been like _this_ , he hadn't been _Fingon_ , who was beautiful coming undone like this, _for Maedhros_.

"I love you," he breathed when Fingon locked eyes with him, and Fingon cried out and came, and Maedhros couldn't help himself: he crawled over to Fingon's side and kissed him, careful to only touch his upper body, and Fingon moaned into his kiss and kept fingering himself through his orgasm and came _again_ , and then reached his dripping hand up to Maedhros' face, hesitating for a moment before Maedhros leaned into the touch, shivering as he felt Fingon's juices sticky on his cheek, and he gave his boyfriend's fingers the tiniest lick, tasting him, teasing him, loving him.

"That's a good start," he murmured. "But you might want to show me again."

"I fucking love you," Fingon said, and he was crying but with joy this time. "You make me feel so good."

Maedhros beamed. "That's all I want," he confessed, kissing him slowly. "I feel good making you feel good."

"Don't ever doubt that you do," Fingon murmured.

"I don't want you to leave, ever," Maedhros admitted, burying his face in Fingon's shoulder. "I love you, Fingon."

Fingon stroked his hair with his less-messy hand. "I love you too. And Mae...you couldn't get rid of me if you tried."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, and please comment if you enjoyed!  
> You can find me on tumblr [@arofili](http://arofili.tumblr.com/).


End file.
